Monday, September 7, 2009

My day has been filled with more tools than a Home Depot

I like most people. There is one group of people that annoy me and they are the “Tools” or in more extreme cases the “Douche bags.” I have come to find that many people do not know what a Tool/ Douche bag is. Let me explain.

Tool-ology 101

• A “Tool” is a mild form of “Douche bag.”

• The word “D-bag” is commonly used for “Douche bag.”

• While most of these puzzling creatures are easily identifiable, you cannot always tell a Tool from appearance alone.

• Most Tools do not know they are Tools. In fact, many mistake their douche bag-ness for coolness.

Has this gotten you questioning yourself? Are you a Tool? Below is a checklist of tool behavior. This list is for men only. Woman Tools are harder to identify. This may also help you recognize a tool if you see one.

Tool Checklist (Men)

_ You own a pair of white sunglasses.

_ You wear, or wish you wore Ed Hardy clothes.

_Your favorite food is a protein shake.

_ Most pictures of yourself were taken by you, in front of the mirror.

_One or more of these said pictures is of you gently lifting up your shirt to show your “ripped stomach.”

_ You wear giant faux diamond earrings.

_The gym is your natural habitat.

_You use more hairspray than a girl on prom night.

_You speak with a New Jersey accent and are not even from the East Coast.

_ People can often smell your cologne before they even see you.

_You love to drive around in your pimped out car listening to dirty hip-hop songs, and “holler at fine bitches”

_You still pop your collar

If you checked two or more these you need to have a self-evaluation to make sure you are not a Tool. If you have checked more than five then congratulations, you skipped Tool and went right to Douche bag.

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